This conversation took place at 1407 Graymalkin Lane, Salem Center, Westchester County, New York. Do not try further investigations or launch SJ demonstrations around that area, or there will be difficulty.
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Kiki: Hey, did you hear?
Bouba: What?
Kiki: Ellen Page announced herself as a transgender, and now she’s a man!
Bouba: Oh yeah? Then why’re you still using ‘she’ and ‘her’?
Kiki: Oh, well – I mean ‘he’. I guess it takes some time to get used to.
Bouba: Hrmph.
Kiki: What a confusing business, huh? She’s calling – I mean, he’s calling himself Elliot now. Male name. Cool, huh?
Bouba: Dumb shit is what it is.
Kiki: Oh wow, someone’s in a mood this morning. What’s wrong? Can I help?
Bouba: Are you a beer?
Kiki: …Okay, fine. You want to be broody, be broody. But why do you think it is all dumb business? You don’t think people should have the right to choose their own gender?
Bouba: Kiki, think about what you are saying. People choosing their own gender? Isn’t that what the argument is all about, about whether gender is a matter of superficial choice that doesn’t tie into deeper roots? Didn’t Ellen slash Elliot Page declare herself as a transgender precisely because she didn’t feel comfortable being a woman? You don’t choose your gender, Kiki, your gender chooses you.
Kiki: Hmm, that’s doesn’t seem entirely nonsensical. But you did not answer my question yet, Bouba. Why did you call it dumb business? Don’t you support what Ellen did?
Bouba: Oh I do support what he did. I am a proponent of absolute freedom of speech, mind. I don’t mind even if he declares himself a god, or an ant for that matter – have you seen that Facebook group? – My question is, why bother changing the name, then? Your entire cellular makeup – your body, that is – does not determine which gender you belong to, but a completely arbitrary linguistic marker does? Your body and your entire life until this point cannot hold you to a particular gender, but the name ‘Ellen’ will keep you female? So you need to change it to a ‘male’ name – Elliot? ‘Male’ names, ‘female’ names… heh, don’t bullshit me, Kiki. If a person believes that names – names! – combinations of letters in the alphabet of a language! – have intrinsic gender, then I cannot take that person’s Gender Revolution seriously.
Kiki: Well, considering it’s us having this talk, it would be foolish to say that the assignment of names to objects is totally arbitrary, don’t you think?
Bouba: Okay, so now you are saying trans-ing one’s gender is wrong.
Kiki: Nope, I am just saying that names do carry clues and significances. You remember that interview of Sharadindu Bandopadhyay? He explained why he chose the name ‘Byomkesh Bakshi’ for his detective. He’d talked about how names lend character to a person’s image in our head; it would never have worked as well if Holmes had been named ‘David Holmes’ instead of ‘Sherlock Holmes’.
Bouba: Hm, I remember that. So you’re saying ‘Elliot’ will help communicate her gender much better to the public.
Kiki: I’m not making assertions, – just thinking aloud. But yes, something like that.
Bouba: But if it is about communication, for the benefit of strangers, then don’t you think people should change their whole body, along with their names? After all, I get to see you from a distance first, long before knowing your name.
Kiki: I get your point. If I say I am alright with my body but I just want to reboot my gender, then I should not go to the trouble of changing my name either. Because names are just inanimate words, neuter in themselves.
Bouba: Nicely summarized. Pass that bowl, please.
Kiki: And what about the pronouns? – aaah ha ha ha, don’t roll your eyes, I want to hear it! What do you have to say about this whole ‘pronouns’ business?
Bouba: Yeah, pre-fucking-tentious, precious white do-gooders–
Kiki: Heyy, don’t be cussing like a monkey in here! You have a point to make, – answer the damn question. Pass the bowl.
Bouba: Well, it’s too simple and too stupid a question to even address. What do I think about the pronouns? – I don’t give a god damn. It is irrelevant, – completely irrelevant!
Kiki: Pray explain.
Bouba: Look. Firstly, the Pronoun Problem is not a global problem. It is not a female problem, it is not a male problem, it is not a liberal problem or a feminist problem or an LGBTQ problem. It is simply an Anglophone problem. The problem exists only within the framework of English grammatical genders. Outside of it, it is completely irrelevant: ‘he’, ‘she’, ‘they’ – all of these are English pronouns! The dilemma of choosing a gender-neutral singular pronoun is the problem of English grammar! They don’t have this problem in every language on earth! – Bangla has no genders at all – they use ‘shey’ for everyone – except inanimate objects. Tamil has four kinds of gender-pronouns – male, female, animate, inanimate. Languages like Gujarati and Marathi, like English, have male, female and neuter genders – maybe the Pronoun Debate is relevant there; and Hindi has only two gender-pronoun types – male and female. They assign either the male or the female gender to everything. Well, there’s a neuro-linguistic puzzle for you right there, I’d like to see what the Social Justice Warriors say about that.
Kiki: Then the Anglophones are turning a language problem into a social-group problem?
Bouba: I wouldn’t use the word ‘turning’ – I’d say they’re disguising a language problem as a social-group problem, because it serves their politics. Why is the social media all the world over erupting with pronoun debates? Why are people putting their ‘preferred’ pronouns in brackets everywhere in their intros and bios? Do they think English gender-pronouns are such a big deal? How cramped a worldview do you need to have to truly believe that the world thinks in your language?
Kiki: These social ‘movements’ all originate in the US, have you noticed?
Bouba: Well, what’d you expect. The home of the insecure and the fragile. Add ‘self-important’ to that description.
Kiki: So, back to Elliot. You know, I think that the world needs to reset what gets reported in the media in the first place. I mean, if I decide from today onwards that I’m a boy, or a girl, that’s not news. That’s like what I choose to have for breakfast tomorrow onwards, or like me getting a new gym membership. It is important for my family and friends to know that, but that isn’t news for the world. – What do I care if Ellen Page is now Elliot Page – it’s not like I am going to write prescriptions for her this afternoon, or buy clothing for her, or hook up with her this evening. She is an actor – I watch her films for my recreation. His films. Whatever. English sucks.
Bouba: The news will always report things like that. That’s what the media does, today – it keeps the privileged middle class focused on the trivialities of the elite upper class, and tricks the young ones into believing that they are new age rebels. And life for the rest of the people goes on as it is.
Kiki: I was really excited about this. We grew up watching Ellen Page on the screen, man.
Bouba: And that truth hasn’t changed, now. The Ellen Page of the past and the Elliot Page of the future can coexist. The future always coexists with the past, doesn’t it? Both are equally true. And about which gender of hers is ‘natural’, – I think people are mixing up ‘natural’ with ‘immutable’. She was a woman, now he is a man. Only a hopelessly anthropocentric person should have trouble understanding that.
Kiki: And they made Finding Nemo.
Bouba: The only honest outcome of the gender debates is complete dissolution of the whole gender paradigm. Just dissolve it. No genders at all. Use ‘it’ for everyone.
Kiki: Amen, Pennywise.
Bouba: I mean it. In a world where gender is independent of your physical make-up, and your traits do not have anything to do with your gender, – why have the categorization in the first place? The theory doesn’t come together. We divide things into categories based on their characteristics. If ‘male’ or ‘female’ is independent of any intrinsic characteristics, then why do we need to have those boxes at all? Throw them away. Don’t mention it, anywhere, ever.
Kiki: I have a strong feeling that this advice of yours won’t be taken by humans.
Bouba: Well, the humans can go fritz themselves.
Kiki: Ah, what a sleepy morning. We have run out of popcorn, Bouba. Would you be a dear and put some more on?
Bouba: You and your popcorn can go fritz yourselves.
Kiki: Interesting proposition. We need to put that to the test sometime. – Well, I’m going out for a walk, or I’ll go back to sleep right here. See you at lunch.
Bouba: Bye.